Navigating relationship issues: how parents of teens can overcome differences and find common ground
As our children enter adolescence, it’s not uncommon for parents to find themselves on different pages when it comes to parenting styles, rules, and expectations. These differences can lead to conflicts and strain in the parent’s relationship, which in turn affects the whole family’s well-being.
In her coaching sessions, Beth explores strategies with clients to bridge these gaps and strengthen relationships with the other parent. She’s personally experienced communication differences with her French husband while parenting our teens, and over our 20 years of marriage, they’ve tried and tested various communication methods. So, she know first-hand which ones work effectively. Though they don’t always see eye-to-eye, good communication techniques have made a significant difference for them.
Here are some common problems I encounter while coaching parents of teens:
Being Out of Sync
When parents have conflicting ideas about rules and boundaries, it can confuse teenagers. This inconsistency can lead to a lack of structure and discipline, making it difficult for teens to understand expectations and develop a sense of responsibility.
Communication Styles
Divergent parenting approaches can result in miscommunication and misunderstandings between parents. This can lead to disagreements and arguments, creating a tense and hostile environment within the family.
Teen Manoeuvring: Some might call this “manipulation” (!) but as an NLP practitioner, Beth endeavours to steer clear of unhelpful images and perceptions and she encourages parents to do the same. However, sometimes teens can understand how their parents diverge and use these differences to their advantage, pitting one parent against the other to get what they want. This can put a strain on the parent’s relationship and undermine their authority, causing further conflict and frustration. She likes to call this technique “a creative communication approach” on the part of the teenager! Identifying and countering these tactics with different communication tools can help encourage teenagers’ creativity in healthier ways.
Whether just one parent seeks coaching or both attend, there are several strategies that can be applied to improve communication and become more effective parents.
Five strategies for finding common ground
1. Open and Honest Communication
Start by having open and honest conversations with your partner about your parenting values, concerns, and expectations. Create a safe space where both parents can express their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Active listening and empathy are crucial during these discussions. In coaching we look at how we can do that.
2. Seek Professional Help
If the differences seem insurmountable, consider seeking the guidance of a family therapist, parent coach or counsellor. A neutral third party can help facilitate productive conversations and provide strategies to bridge the gap between parents.
3. Compromise and Collaboration
Look for areas where you can find common ground and compromise. Identify shared values and goals for your teenager’s upbringing. Collaborate on creating consistent rules and boundaries that both parents can agree upon, ensuring a united front.
4. Respect Each Other’s Perspectives
Recognize that different parenting styles can stem from individual experiences and beliefs. Respect your partner’s viewpoint, even if you don’t fully agree. Seek to understand their perspective and find ways to integrate both approaches into your parenting strategy. In coaching sessions, we can try a very powerful technique called perceptual positions – it also helps parents understand their teenager’s viewpoint better too.
5. Prioritise Self-Care
Parenting can be demanding, and disagreements can be more likely when parents are stressed and overwhelmed. Prioritize self-care to ensure you are emotionally and mentally equipped to handle challenges. Take time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy, and seek support from friends or support groups.
Prioritising self-care is often neglected by busy mums but by incorporating mindfulness practices into your life, such as breathing techniques, spending time with friends, doing exercise, or meditation, you can:
• Feel less distracted and more centred
• Manage emotional states like tiredness, anger, and guilt
• Build the capacity to cope with stress
• Develop resilience to navigate life’s ups and downs
• Improve sleep quality
• Have more patience and better deal with your teens
Parenting is a continuous learning journey that requires adaptation. By managing our state and emotions through mindfulness, we can create a harmonious environment for our teenagers to thrive, thereby strengthening all our relationships, including the relationship with the other parent which will have a positive effect on the whole family.
Just ten minutes of mindfulness per day can be very effective.
As a certified 10 of Zen mindfulness teacher, Beth has developed a mindfulness course specifically for mums of teenagers. This six-week course, “10 of Zen Mums of Teens,” incorporates breathwork, mindfulness, meditation, and routines to help you respond thoughtfully when your teenager pushes your buttons.
The next group course will start in September (date to be confirmed). Group sizes are kept small to allow for meaningful discussion and practice of the mindfulness techniques.
Beth’s 10 of Zen course is especially targeted at mums of teenagers
During this six-week mindfulness course “10 of Zen Mums of Teens” you will learn a combination of tools and practices including breathwork, mindfulness, meditation and routines to help you RESPOND as opposed to REACT, when your teenager pushes your buttons.
495 euros or 425 GBP or 550 USD
Please get in touch, if you’d like to know more.
