Hello, I’m worried that my parenting style might be too harsh for my teenage son. I raise my voice more often than I’d like, and I’m worried that my approach may be bordering on aggressive or bullying. I don’t want to be a strict disciplinarian, but sometimes it feels like the only way to get through to him and he’s really triggering me at the moment. I’m concerned I might be damaging our relationship or affecting his self-esteem with my strictness. L.A.
Continue reading …
Dear L.A.
Our teenagers are good at pushing our buttons, precisely because they know us so well. From birth, they’ve observed us — not just as parents but as humans — and sometimes, they use this intimate knowledge as leverage, particularly during moments of tension.
Moving Beyond Aggressive Parenting
It is a well-known fact that using aggression isn’t the best parenting style and good for you for wanting to do something about it. The first step towards change is self-awareness and I highly recommend that you find some coping techniques. Aggressive parenting can lead to serious problems for teenagers, potentially fostering a victim mindset due to an inability to assert themselves or teaching them to replicate aggressive behaviours. Neither path is conducive to unlocking a teen’s full potential or leading them towards a fulfilling life.
Rethinking Control and Compliance
While aggression might seem to address the immediate challenge of asserting control, this approach is inherently flawed. We need to think of our teenagers as apprentice adults. Imagine treating our colleagues or friends as we sometimes do our teenagers — such behaviour would be deemed unacceptable. Our behaviour does not go unnoticed by our teenagers, who may see it as unfairness, which leads to more tension.
The Futility of Punitive Measures
Punishment cannot create good behaviour in teenagers. If punishments worked, we’d know about it. Instead, we find that meaningful consequences that promote positive behaviour are far more effective. These consequences can reinforce your authority while teaching your child valuable problem-solving skills, which are crucial for adulthood. Over-the-top punishments or ineffective rules just end up in a power struggle.
Coaching as a Tool for Change
Through coaching, we explore the underlying reasons behind a parent’s aggressive style, often employing the Meta-Model technique. This method involves a series of reflective questions designed to clarify thought patterns and language. It can help parents identify the root of their aggression and challenge limiting beliefs that may be contributing to their behaviour.
Addressing the Roots of Aggression
Identifying and understanding the origins of your aggressive responses is crucial. Reflect on how you were parented and the impact it has on your current parenting style. This insight can be the first step in altering your behaviour.
Techniques for Emotional Regulation
State management is a key technique in preventing aggression. Learning to control physiological responses — such as regulating breathing and adopting a poised posture — can significantly aid in staying calm.
The Power of Modelling Behaviour
Parents don’t intentionally choose aggression. It’s often a habitual response or a momentary loss of temper. However, shouting and punitive reactions are ineffective. Modelling behaviour is essential — by embodying the qualities we wish to see in our teens, we serve as examples for them to emulate.
If you want to make real changes, then modelling the behaviour that you want to see is the best technique. Our teens are always watching; we are perpetual role models. Demonstrating aggression or abusiveness can inflict more damage than many parents realise. To cultivate the behaviours, we expect from our children, we must first exemplify them ourselves.
I’ll finish by saying that “nothing changes if nothing changes” and again, good for you for wanting to change. It’s never too late to change and we can only change ourselves and not anyone else 😉 There are many tools and techniques out there that can help you. Start with managing and regulating your emotions and if you’d like more help, please feel free to reach out for some coaching sessions.
