Even after more than 25 years studying, teaching and researching communication, I was reminded recently that we can sometimes be surprised by people.  

Have you ever been blindsided?

Did a friendship suddenly end or a colleague stop answering your calls. Or did someone you’d been communicating with as normal abruptly cut contact, leaving you wondering what happened?

Being blindsided means discovering that someone else has been having an entirely different conversation in their own mind while you believed everything was fine.

As someone who has spent nearly three decades teaching communication and behaviour, I understand the theories behind difficult conversations. I teach conflict, credibility, emotional intelligence and interpersonal communication to university students, train professionals and regularly comment in the media on human behaviour.

Yet recently, I was reminded that just because we understand communication doesn’t make us immune to being surprised by people.

However my knowledge of communication does give me a framework for making sense of these experiences once they happen. And rather than teaching me something entirely new, this recent experience reminded me of seven communication lessons that are always worth remembering.

What does it mean to be blindsided?

Being blindsided happens when someone makes a decision without bringing you into the conversation beforehand. From your perspective, everything appears normal. From their perspective, the decision has been developing internally for days, weeks or even months. However they have been carrying on as normal and that is why it feels so shocking. It isn’t just that the outcome is surprising. It’s realising that two people have been living in completely different versions of the same relationship, whether that’s as colleagues, acquaintances, friends, etc.

Why do people blindside others?

People often assume blindsiding comes from unkindness. Sometimes it does but more often, it comes from discomfort. Many people struggle with difficult conversations. Rather than addressing concerns head on, they avoid them instead. And while they are avoiding the difficult conversation, they are having a conversation with themselves that involves creating a distance and planning an exit, except they do not share this and eventually, a decision has already been made before the other person even knows there is a problem.

That’s why from the outside, it can feel sudden. In reality, the communication stopped long before the relationship did.

Were there really no warning signs?

One of the questions I’m often asked in this kind of scenario is, are there really no warning signs? And one of the first things many of us do after being blindsided is replay different interactions and ask ourselves what we missed. Our brains dislike uncertainty so they naturally search for explanations. Sometimes there are subtle signs but sometimes there aren’t signs at all.

I always say that communication is a shared responsibility. If concerns remain entirely unspoken, there may have been very little for the other person to notice.

It’s true that our brains like to make sense of things and sometimes we can but sometimes we’re left scratching our heads, so instead it’s a good reminder of different communication lessons.

Seven communication lessons worth remembering

1. Silence is communication too

Communication isn’t only about what people say. It’s also about what they avoid saying. Silence, withdrawal and avoidance all communicate something, even if no words are spoken.

2. Two people can experience the same relationship very differently

One person may believe everything is fine. The other may already have stepped away and checked out. It’s always good to remember that our own perspective is never the only one. What we think is fine, may be someone else’s ‘uncomfortable’.

3. Difficult conversations rarely become easier by waiting

Avoidance often feels like the easier option in the short term. Unfortunately, it usually creates more confusion later. Early conversations may be uncomfortable. Late conversations are often far worse. There is a reason that in crisis communication training, we always advise to communicate quickly and communicate early. Putting off a difficult conversation never makes it easier …

4. We cannot control someone else’s communication

We can encourage communication. We can reach out to talk. But we cannot make another person communicate if they choose not to.

That’s one of the hardest realities to accept.

5. Our brains are wired to search for certainty

After being blindsided, many people replay conversations or text messages on a loop. This is how our brains try to reduce uncertainty.

And while reflection can be helpful. Rumination rarely is. Eventually there comes a point where accepting that you may never have every answer is healthier than endlessly searching for one.

6. Someone else’s communication choices are not a measure of your worth

This is perhaps the reminder I return to most often. It’s easy to feel responsible for another person’s behaviour and blame ourselves.

Sometimes there are lessons to learn but sometimes there aren’t and another person’s communication choices do not define your value. If they are avoiding a difficult conversation or pretending things are fine when they’re not, that is their issue to deal with and not yours.

7. Every difficult experience reinforces why communication matters

Ironically, experiences like these don’t make me lose faith in communication! They remind me why honest conversations matter and why constructive feedback is so important. And why courage matters more than anything. It is often said that those who blindside are lacking emotional maturity or they dislike feeling challenged or they take feedback very personally. That is why they prefer to avoid conversations, or they turn it around to tell you how you’re feeling (how on earth can they know, if they haven’t asked!?) The reality is that we can never know what is going on for someone unless they tell us and if we’re blindsided and don’t have a conversation then we have to give ourselves closure.

Moving forward

Being blindsided is unsettling because it is unexpected and disrupts a scenario that we thought we understood. But it can also remind us why healthy communication matters so much. Open communication gives people the opportunity to understand one another before assumptions replace conversations. After more than 25 years teaching communication, this experience didn’t teach me seven new lessons but it did remind me that people are complicated and complex and that communication isn’t something we ever finish learning.

Communication isn’t just what I research – it’s what I help people navigate every day.

Whether you’re trying to rebuild trust after a difficult conversation, improve communication within your team, prepare for high-stakes media interviews or simply understand human behaviour more clearly, I’d love to help.

Book a complimentary 15-minute First Conversation to discuss how we can work together.

Or explore more articles on communication, credibility and behaviour here on the blog.

FAQ’s

1. What does it mean to be blindsided?

Being blindsided means experiencing an unexpected ending or decision in a relationship, friendship or professional situation without feeling there were clear warning signs beforehand.

2. Why do people blindside others?

Many people avoid difficult conversations because they fear conflict, rejection or upsetting someone. Avoidance often feels easier in the short term but usually creates greater confusion in the long term.

3. Can communication experts be blindsided?

Absolutely! Understanding communication doesn’t mean we can read minds 😉 Even communication professionals only have access to the information that is shared with them.

4. How do you recover from being blindsided?

Recovery starts by accepting that you may never have every answer, resisting the urge to endlessly replay conversations and recognising that another person’s communication choices do not define your worth.