Dear Dr. Beth – My 15-year-old is no longer attending school regularly and it’s really starting to take a toll on the whole family. This situation started last year when she would miss a couple of days off because she “had a migraine” or a “stomach-ache”. I didn’t think too much of it last year, just put it down to a phase or a ‘bad patch’ but over the year the situation worsened, and we were called in to the school and threatened with all sorts of actions. I have been living in a state of fear and stress and this year the issue has worsened. I am sick with worry about what to do. My sister says it’s my fault, as I’ve been too soft with her and we need more “rules and regulations” in place. I spoke to the doctor who has prescribed antidepressants and psychotherapy but it’s not making any difference. Worried Mum.
Dealing with school refusal, phobia, or avoidance can be an incredibly stressful experience for parents of teenagers, and this issue is actually much more common than people think. It is also a taboo subject, parents can feel isolated, desperate, heartbroken and add to that the pressure from the authorities, it really is one of the most stressful situations to go through. Parents can feel judged, and it’s an isolating and lonely experience, and finding support can be hard.
For those who don’t know what “school avoidance” is, it is a condition where a teenager consistently refuses to go to school or has difficulty remaining in school for the full day. This behaviour goes beyond occasional reluctance to attend school and can lead to significant academic and social problems. It can start with the occasional “headache” or “stomach-ache” and can get progressively worse for different reasons.
Also, since the pandemic, the problem seems to have worsened. Yet, this isn’t a new phenomenon – in the ’90s, we referred to it as “truancy.” However, today there is more awareness and intervention and skipping school cannot fly as easily under the radar as it could years ago.
Schools know that quick intervention works best. However, methods and approaches can vary greatly from school to school and family to family. I can tell you which method doesn’t work: shouting, screaming, force and threats. Making a teen go into school without working on the underlying problem is likely to make things much worse in the long-term.
Psychologists refer to avoidant behaviour as a defence mechanism to something we perceive as a threat
Adults also use avoidance to cope with feelings of anxiety and discomfort: substance abuse and procrastination are just two of the avoidant techniques that people use when stressed and anxious. Your daughter’s avoidant behaviour is much more visible, but your sister telling you that you have been “too soft” is absolutely not helpful, as it’s so much more complex. I would advise you employ some healthy avoiding tactics and stop listening to your sister for a while …
Various factors could contribute to school avoidance: anxiety disorders, bullying, academic difficulties, mental health issues, family problems, health concerns, or peer relationships. Identifying the specific reason is crucial.
Blaming yourself won’t provide solutions
Firstly, as a coach and consultant, I seek to remove the stigma and the stress of the parents. Instead, let’s focus on actions and finding resolutions. I often encounter parents in states of acute stress, anxiety, and distress. I understand the toll it takes on families – sleepless nights, concealing the situation, strained relationships, and the isolating impact it can have. It’s crucial for your well-being to find moments of respite, whether through meditation, conversations with friends, or walks. Find 5 things right now that you can do on a regular basis, and commit to doing at least one a day. They don’t have to be time-consuming or costly.
It’s also important not to listen to well-meaning, yet uninformed advice. The concerned parent who tells you that you need to “have more rules and consequences” for your “wayward teen” is not in a position to provide perspective. The complexity of this issue requires a more nuanced approach. I encourage you to seek support from non-judgmental third parties, such as mental health charities. You can also call some of the free helplines, just to offload, such as SOS Help or the Samaritans (links below). Finding someone you can talk to, in confidence and without judgement, will help you keep your head above water emotionally. If finances are an issue, I will explore free options with you.
Normalising the struggle is important
We’ve all faced mental health challenges to varying degrees. Work avoidance is the adult version of school avoidance and can be just as concealed and just as taboo. Let’s work on understanding the situation from your teen’s perspective, finding common ground, and focusing on viable solutions. And there are solutions.
Finally, find a safe space for your teen to express their feelings without judgement. It’s crucial to identify and verbalise the motivations behind their reluctance. Motivation is there; it’s just a matter of understanding it. Parents often tell me that their teen isn’t “motivated by anything” and actually this isn’t true! They are motivated, very motivated, to not attend school. However, there is a reason for this, and I help the student to identify it and verbalise it. Ensure your teen has a space in which they can talk about what’s happening.
A multidisciplinary approach ensures everyone works towards a common goal
When a teenager avoids school, the focus is often on the teen. We think that by dealing with their anxiety, the teen will then start to go back to school and things will be OK, but the problem is that often it’s more about the school itself and the way the system is set up or the school environment. The reality is that often when a teenager changes school, things change. I have seen this happen many times.
Therefore, it’s important to be transparent with the school about the challenges your daughter is facing, but if you see that the school is not flexible, then consider changing schools, if this is possible. Seek support from psychotherapists and health professionals or associations and charities. Collaborate with parents, teachers, and school staff. Coordinating efforts, rather than succumbing to external pressures, is key.
Encourage a routine at home that mirrors a school day. Keep your teen connected to the outside world through friends, family, activities, and outdoor exercise.
Some of the Neuro Linguistic Programming coaching techniques I use with parents and teens can be extremely effective: anchoring, reframing and perceptual positions are just a few. However, there are other techniques that can really help: meditation, hypnotherapy, tapping, etc.
If psychotherapy isn’t yielding results, consider exploring other options or changing therapists. The shift to online therapy, prompted by the pandemic, offers a more accessible avenue for support.
Some other practical solutions to consider are gaining access to the school psychologist if there is one, talking again to your general practitioner, seeking out real case studies or students who suffered from school refusal and who are now back in school, working with the school to find solutions around attendance. Also, your daughter is 15 and depending on which country you live in, there are alternative educational systems.
Finally …
I feel very strongly about this topic because I’ve been right where your daughter is now: skipping school, finding solace at bus-stops to avoid the school bus, slipping away to the toilets during breaks, dealing with migraines, and not fully engaging in class. The reasons behind it were complicated. Not only did I overcome these challenges, this journey has actually led me to dedicate my career to teaching and working with young people. I want to show them that there are definitely solutions and responses to whatever they’re going through; they just need a bit of discovery.
I can guarantee that this situation can be improved but addressing school avoidance is a process. With patience, understanding, and a collaborative approach you can find answers. There is hope.
Best Wishes,
Beth
Some resources:
https://notfineinschool.co.uk/home
If you are based in France and want to talk to someone in English free of charge, call the SOS Helpline:
If you are in the UK, you can contact the Samaritans to talk or chat with someone free of charge:
